My mother is a nurse in a nursing home. One of her patients is a woman only a few years older who was a nurse in the military for 23 years until she suddenly was attacked by tumors in her back, rendering her paralyzed and unable to fulfill that enlistment period. So she was discharged and day-to-day doesn't know if she will still have a roof. The government-assigned social worker glances at her in his checks, and that's it. In all likelihood, this woman will end up homeless as the government has been slacking on payments for her care. Her daughter is my age and also leaving for Canada.

My mom wants so much to be able to take this woman in, but can't afford the care out of pocket for supplies nor someone else to be there when she's not. The woman is disabled to the point of needing constant care.

WHen my mom first met her, she thought the lady was just bitchy until she heard the woman mention the military. Due to what I've told her the government does with it's spent troops, she talked to the woman and found out that the bitchineess is covering up fear. Through talking with this woman, my mom also found out that what I've said is accurate, and that woman is living proof.

I get home, check the mail, and there's a letter from the government saying I'm owed $3,664.50 from back payments to be deposited December 3rd. WOW. I need to call and verify this Monday. That will go a decent way toward saving for Canada.

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The U.S. Government now officially considers people who "make numerous references to the Constitution" to be "potential terrorists"

I am sickened. The government that is supposed to uphold the Constitution instead declaring those who defend it to be the terrorists....

I still remember when the 4th of July was a proud day, and the past few years I've used it as a day of mourning for the death, rather than the birth, of this nation.... It won't be long before Americans are eligible for political asylum in other countries.

Copied from elsewhere:
FEMA eclipses the United States Constitution into oblivion, rendering it null & void.

Some people have referred to FEMA as the "secret government" of the United States. It is not an elected body, it does not involve itself in public disclosures, and it even has a quasi-secret budget in the billions of dollars. This government organization has more power than the President of the United States or the Congress, it has the power to suspend laws, move entire populations, arrest and detain citizens without a warrant and hold them without trial, it can seize property, food supplies, transportation systems, and can suspend the U.S. Constitution.

Is it any wonder why the U.S. government considers America's Constitution "terrorist literature".

Here are just a few Executive Orders associated with FEMA that would suspend the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. These Executive Orders have been on record for nearly 30 years and could be enacted by the stroke of a Presidential pen:

* EXECUTIVE ORDER 10990
allows the government to take over all modes of transportation and control of highways and seaports.

* EXECUTIVE ORDER 10995
allows the government to seize and control the communication media.

* EXECUTIVE ORDER 10997
allows the government to take over all electrical power, gas, petroleum, fuels and minerals.

* EXECUTIVE ORDER 10998
allows the government to take over all food resources and farms.

* EXECUTIVE ORDER 11000
allows the government to mobilize civilians into work brigades under government supervision.

* EXECUTIVE ORDER 11001
allows the government to take over all health, education and welfare functions.

* EXECUTIVE ORDER 11002
designates the Postmaster General to operate a national registration of all persons.

* EXECUTIVE ORDER 11003
allows the government to take over all airports and aircraft, including commercial aircraft.

* EXECUTIVE ORDER 11004
allows the Housing and Finance Authority to relocate communities, build new housing with public funds, designate areas to be abandoned, and establish new locations for populations.

* EXECUTIVE ORDER 11005
allows the government to take over railroads, inland waterways and public storage facilities.

* EXECUTIVE ORDER 11051
specifies the responsibility of the Office of Emergency Planning and gives authorization to put all Executive Orders into effect in times of increased international tensions and economic or financial crisis.

* EXECUTIVE ORDER 11310
grants authority to the Department of Justice to enforce the plans set out in Executive Orders, to institute industrial support, to establish judicial and legislative liaison, to control all aliens, to operate penal and correctional institutions, and to advise and assist the President.

* EXECUTIVE ORDER 11049
assigns emergency preparedness function to federal departments and agencies, consolidating 21 operative Executive Orders issued over a fifteen year period.

* EXECUTIVE ORDER 11921
allows the Federal Emergency Preparedness Agency to develop plans to establish control over the mechanisms of production and distribution, of energy sources, wages, salaries, credit and the flow of money in U.S. financial institution in any undefined national emergency. It also provides that when a state of emergency is declared by the President, Congress cannot review the action for six months.

Don't forget, we're fighting for democracy & freedom in IRAQ..."Operation Iraqi Liberation."

George Bush tells us we were attacked on 9-11 by "terrorists who don't like freedom." "The terrorists are enemies of freedom." "They attacked us because they don't like our freedoms."

Sure.

Some days I just don't feel I can get out of here fast enough. A fresh start somewhere else.

I wonder if this is the way that immigrants to the US felt in the early part of the 1900's when they came in droves. Not all came to escape political hell in their native countries, but for the fresh start. Is this the same as I feel? Suffocated, stiffed, dreading stepping out the front door?

Yes, it can be said I may feel like this again somewhere else, but I so highly doubt it will change here that even the chance of something different makes me feel better. I don't have the strength anymore to keep trying to fix things here. I feel like there's too much against me. It's not one of those "it's in [my] head" things." It takes an astronomical amount of frustration to make me give up, which is why I don't give up on people when everyone else says to. I don't give up on people, on work, on life, or any other problem, unless I see it as not so much of a lost cause but in my personal best interest to stop trying. In this way I am selfish. It's about the only way I am. If there's something I can gain I am likely to keep trying. When what I have to gain is but a small fraction if the effort required, then why keep trying? What good is there in being able to say, "I did it!" if it breaks you in the process to the point that there's no energy for joy in the accomplishment?

The final straw that sealed it with an unbreakable seal came yesterday. Now even Kola couldn't get me to stay. No, not since he's the one who inadvertently sealed my decision. Ironic that the one person who could have convinced me to stay is the one who unknowingly hammered the final nail instead. With what happened I spent the day today instead getting blood work done, and that was more pressing than going to the Consulate, which will now have to be Tuesday. But knowing what's going on with my body is a bit more urgent at this exact moment.

If I had the funds, I'd fly to Washington right now, or, better, to somewhere with snow and snowboard for a while. Actually, if I had the funds to fly anywhere on a moment's notice, I'd save it for going up to Washington and Vancouver at the end of the year. That trip is still in the air on whether or not it can happen.

I'm still going to miss him terribly. But, sadly, it seems that the Kola I fell in love with was nothing more than a very wonderful, caring facade over a cruel inside, and I'm having trouble right now seeing the good in him I believe in my heart is in there somewhere. No matter what anyone says, I will believe that there's good. That's not the "popular opinion" right now, but it's still my belief. And I'm still going to remain there for him. There's a lot of good he did do for me.

I'm tired and broken and apathetic to a lot of things right now, but very hopeful for the future by looking at this escape.

"You don't have to leave the country, just get out of the area." 

Words said to me tonight by a young man who immigrated to Canada from the Soviet Union, then to the U.S..  An American citizen, one local to here, told to leave, to go away.  I'm sorry, but when does someone have the right to tell me to get out of where I am?  This is the kind of thing directed at me a lot lately.  There's a sense of ownership somehow, and I lost out.  I, the native, have become the unwelcome trespasser.

This was not said in any sort of connection with moving, but was said to me anyway by the person I have let closer to me than anyone, by the person I have trusted more than all else.

Work will be in the way tomorrow.  I will likely take Thursday off from work then to go to the Consulate if I can't get away for part of tomorrow.  I am extremely eager to find out what I can, what needs to be filed, and to start on any paperwork I can.

The right reasons to move anywhere are different for each person. I would venture out to say the right reason for anybody is if they think they'll be happier there or can get away from an upsetting situation. As a friend, who isn't exactly pro-move, finally said to me yesterday, "Well, if you're not happy there, you can always move back." And that's true. I don't think I'll ever regret moving, but I may always look back with regret that I didn't try. I can only think of one reason I may regret going away.

The key here for me is that this is not something that suddenly sounded interesting one random day, so decided to do it. About as spontaneous as I get is deciding to go up through Nevada and ghost-town hunt on the way back from Vegas instead of hopping on I-5 or Highway 1. Or to be bored late one night and decide to drive up to Ocean Shores and see that town Eric Estrada is always promoting on late-night infomercials (pretty town, very pretty but has a distinct feel of late-night infomercials).

But such a major life-altering event is one that has taken years. What was originally something that sounded fun as a teenager just needed enough reason to make the investment, and that's come.

About two months ago, when everything in life was normal and good and I was happy, discontent with the government took stronger hold. A month ago, when things were still good in my life, I saw more, and the discontent turned to fear. Then I lost the most important person to me, and it's not getting easier. It's getting harder by the day instead.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." In most cases, that's true. In mine it certainly is. But he won't let me be near him, and in keeping me away he doesn't seem to realize he's hurting me more. He hasn't given me reason not to love him, so instead what I feel grows stronger each day. And it is a stab to my heart knowing he's so near, yet so far. He doesn't know, can't understand, how this is the most torturous thing for me, to have him within arm's reach, but to be shunned, and not given reason to not love, so it grows and hurts me more each day, not less. He sabotaged our chance together, really has no reason for this. I'm family-approved. Mother knows best. They've got no reason to be "on my side," for lack of better words. Looking at it logically, we're good together, and this really isn't the place to get much more into it than I have.

Let me explain a little more about that "out of place" mentioned earlier since I've had a surprising number of e-mails asking how I can feel so uncomfortable in my native area. Respect is a big thing for me. It's not earned, but given. Respect, in my opinion, in a human right, whether or not I like you. Going into this relationship I knew I was to be kept a secret. I don't mean just us dating being a secret, but my entire existence. Of course that right there meant that many group-things we could have done together that was fun wasn't able to happen as it would include the explanation for the presence of an American girl among another cultural group. The friends I have now are part of the same culture, the same culture as most of my own heritage, but I can't say anything about how I'm feeling in case someone I say something to knows him and word gets around. I respect him enough to keep his secret. My freedom of speech is stifled by respect.

I am disappointed to say that there is a lot of nationalism. Russians stick to Russians, Americans to Americans, Chinese to Chinese, and so on. The American cliques in the area I've mingled with are very catty. The "American way" is that you are never to blame, always someone else. I don't like this mind-set at all. But among other groups I am the odd-ball out, an intruder, and am treated that way. I don't know if this is primarily because each nationality prefers to speak its native language and I only know English and Spanish, or if it comes down to different cultural mindsets, or outright discrimination and a sense that one is better than another. But it happens. And I'm forced to be among an ever-smaller group as more and more Americans leave the area. There are fewer and fewer, leaving growing groups of other cultures that aren't very friendly toward Americans. I'm accepted on the fringe. It's an oxymoron, really, and not a comfortable one. I'm semi-accepted by a group that normally doesn't accept "my group" and yet it's one I can not become any more a part of if I'm to maintain a respectable distance and prevent contact which may make someone else uncomfortable.

But I couldn't feel good about myself if I decided to start living only for myself, who cares about who gets hurt, trampled, or made uncomfortable or hurt along the way. To do that would make me not like myself, but as things are now I'm not happy, and fixing things requires the cooperation of people who are unwilling. It's too sticky of a situation that the best thing to do would be to remove myself from it.

Just moving to another state would be an option, but there's this stupid thing called the Bush Administration. And a dream I've had for nearly a decade.

Suffice it to say that the only thing that could keep me from running away now, if you want to call it that, is if he woke up, opened his eyes, and gave us another chance. If what I've got is a fear of my government, the pain of this, feeling out of place, and the chance to break away. If he wanted us to have a chance, then that would be a reason to stay, a reason important enough to at least make me rethink moving. For now.

Maybe I should move to Washington, Bellingham, as I said, and get a work visa and work in Canada while working on residency.  Might that be easier?  I'm looking at apartments and houses right now and four-bedroom HOUSES are less than I'm paying for a single-bedroom apartment here in San Jose.  I could save up a year's worth of living expenses for Washington in a matter of months and not have to work.  I'm not saying I wouldn't - I need the money Canada requires, in addition to a million and a half dollars in fees (obviously exaggerated).  I could be out of the Bay Area and much closer to Canada by spring.  Start off working in Bellingham, look for work in the Surrey area, baby-step into Canada.

But I'm probably over-simplifying.  Going to Washington is a small step, in my opinion.  Everything I need to live happily I can fit into my car, and just drive.  But the baby-steps from there.  Each one will probably actually be a small mountain I'll cut my knees climbing up.

I think a trip to the Consulate General in San Francisco may be in order for Wednesday morning.  I'm overwhelmed by this uncertainty in how to proceed.  

BTW, Quebec flittered around in my head last night as I was lying awake in bed, as well as part of today.  It seems easier to get into, and I could give someone a type of personal space I think he wants, despite being in the U.S..  There's no benefit into going into this issue though as it would encroach on the privacy of another to discuss in any detail.  Let's just say that it's not completely ruled out, but rather stands at about 20%.  I'll see what the Consulate has to say.